Wednesday, September 19, 2007

3 Reasons 'Iron Man' Will Suck by Viewing Only the Trailer

1. The Marvel logo is unleashed about an eighth of the way into the trailer.

Although Marvel reignited the super hero genre, after Warner Brothers and DC took a steaming dump all over it with the release of 'Batman & Robin' by giving Sam Raimi carte blanche to do as he pleased with the first 'Spider-Man,' and made an excellent movie. Not just a good comic movie, an excellent movie. Brian Singer followed suit with the first 'X-Men' and both franchises, depending on who you talk to, had at least sequels of equal or superior quality, but that is where it ends as far as decent Marvel movies. Ever since then it has been all down hill. When I say down hill I mean straight into the huge hole in the ground, known as the business end of an outhouse. They have released one character raping movie after the next. Not only in theaters, but on home video as well, where direct to video gems such as the two 'Ultimate Avengers.' Those two have only helped to further the reach of the stench that is coming from the Marvel production studios. 'Daredevil' (though the director's cut is actually decent), 'Ghost Rider' (I prayed for an embolism to kill me in my seat), 'The Punisher' (Tom Jane couldn't hold Dolph's jock strap) and so on.

2. Gwyneth 'fuckin' Paltrow is in it.

Outside of 'The Royal Tenenbaums' and moving the fuck out of this country, this chick hasn't done anything worthwhile since getting her head stuffed in a box in 'Se7en.' I defy you to find someone who has actually seen the ending to 'Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow.' If someone even thinks 'Shallow Hal' is decent, eat a dick.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: I like 'Shallow Hal,' and I refuse to eat all dicks.)

3. 'Iron Man' is the song of choice in the trailer.

I mean come fucking on. I am sure somebody thought this was witty, but this is the most obvious and ri-goddamn-diculous choice to play in the trailer. I mean what's next, are they going to play Steve Miller's 'The Joker' in the trailer for 'The Dark Knight.'

No, because DC isn't a bunch of jerk offs.

I really want 'Iron Man' to be good simply because Robert Downey Jr, and Jeff Bridges are in it. Possibly two of the most underrated actors of recent memory they deserve better than to be associated with the standard anal emissions that Marvel pumps out. Downey Jr should be perfect for Tony Stark, a talented boozing playboy who comes to the realization that there is more to life than he is currently getting out of it. Jeff Bridges on the other hand is great in everything he does, but it is good to see get away from doing gymnastic movies.

View the 'Iron Man' trailer for yourself by clicking here.

Posted by Dan Wood, Contributing Resident Movie Geek

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