Thursday, September 27, 2007

All I'm Saying Is...

CAN WE BE DONE WITH THIS GARBAGE???



'Save The Last Dance'
'Drumline'
'Step Up'

Damn.

Click here for appropriate garbage.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Poster Review: "Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem"


For those of you who thought 'Alien: Resurrection' and the original 'Alien Vs. Predator' didn't suck enough, we now find ourselves confronted with 'Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem.' This handsome one-sheet, in all its brilliant simplicity, reaffirms what the title of the movie already tells us: that the aliens will, indeed, face down the predators. Let's start from the bottom and work our way up...


* The credits. Well, at least they haven't suckered 'Sigourney Weaver' into being in these movies yet.



* 'AVP-R.' Ever since' T2,' you're not cool if you spell out the entire title of your movie. I heard George Lucas was thinking of going with SW:EII-AotC, but chickened out.



* Whereas the previous 'AVP' movie was set in an isolated area on Earth, the picture on this poster implies that the fight will go global. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe it's just meant to imply awesomeness.



* They have a pretty hardcore tag line: "This Christmas there will be no peace on Earth." Wait a minute. Wouldn't that be a better tag line for 'Fred Claus'?

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Poster Review: 'The Heartbreak Kid'



The poster for 'The Heartbreak Kid' shows you just how
gosh darned *hilarious* this movie is going to be, with
nothing more than a simple still image and a few
carefully selected words.




*Ben Stiller. He's *always* funny. Hey, remember how
his name was "Focker" in those movies with Robert De Niro?
Comic gold!



*Wait a second... does he have cotton in his ears?
Say, that's unusual. What sort of wacky situation
has he gotten himself into now? That lady sitting next
to him seems to be making some sort of trumpet-like
gesture with her hands. How immature! That must be
really annoying for poor Ben. She must be crazy and
obnoxious. Can't a guy get a break? And since they're
stuck in a car together, it's not like Ben can just leave.
How is he going to deal with this irritating situation?




*Finally, there's the tag line. "Love blows." That works
on so many levels. Like, at least two. Do you get it?
Do you? Think about it for a minute, and you'll probably
realize just how clever that tag line is.
I won't ruin it for you.


Posted by Joseph Pontillo, Contributing
Resident Movie Geek

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Brothers Solomon- WHY??!!



I decided to watch "The Brothers Solomon" last week. Why? A boring night of nothing to do and a free pass to AMC will tempt me to go see even the most attrocious comedy. This gem is penned by Groundlings alum and SNL cast member Will Forte and directed by Bob Odenkirk. First let me start off by saying that these characters that Will Arnett and Will Forte play are beyond dumb. Not in a Lloyd Christmas, Harry Dunne good kind of dumb either. Just retarded dumb. Will Forte is just a dumb ass for writing this. Now, don't get me wrong, I think Forte has some strengths and I too would give my right nut to be involved in any movie that is greenlit, so good for him. But this failed so hard at the box office, if I had written and starred in it. I might disappear for awhile. The budget was around 10 million, opening weekend it grossed 500k, averaging about 750 bucks per theater...WOW. A shit ass performance like this film as well as "Let's go to Prison" really is a kick in the nads for Odenkirk. Also for Arnett, who stars in both. Are these guys really movie star potential? The film also co-stars, Groundlings alum and SNL cast member, Kristen Wiig. She is so full of talent, but not in this movie, and it's not her fault. Again it goes back to the script and poor character development. Seriously they could have thrown anyone in this role and it would not have mattered.
The most annoying thing about this movie is that the song "St. Elmo's Fire" by John Parr is played about 5 times throughout the film and not for comedic effect. I just didnt get it. Were there refernces to the brat pack? Did I miss something? The pacing of the trailer for this flick is much more enjoyable, I suggest watching that about 5 times and just envision how funny you would have liked this movie to be. Here is the trailer...skip the movie..peace.

3 Reasons 'Iron Man' Will Suck by Viewing Only the Trailer



1. The Marvel logo is unleashed about an eighth of the way into the trailer.



Although Marvel reignited the super hero genre, after Warner Brothers and DC took a steaming dump all over it with the release of 'Batman & Robin' by giving Sam Raimi carte blanche to do as he pleased with the first 'Spider-Man,' and made an excellent movie. Not just a good comic movie, an excellent movie. Brian Singer followed suit with the first 'X-Men' and both franchises, depending on who you talk to, had at least sequels of equal or superior quality, but that is where it ends as far as decent Marvel movies. Ever since then it has been all down hill. When I say down hill I mean straight into the huge hole in the ground, known as the business end of an outhouse. They have released one character raping movie after the next. Not only in theaters, but on home video as well, where direct to video gems such as the two 'Ultimate Avengers.' Those two have only helped to further the reach of the stench that is coming from the Marvel production studios. 'Daredevil' (though the director's cut is actually decent), 'Ghost Rider' (I prayed for an embolism to kill me in my seat), 'The Punisher' (Tom Jane couldn't hold Dolph's jock strap) and so on.

2. Gwyneth 'fuckin' Paltrow is in it.



Outside of 'The Royal Tenenbaums' and moving the fuck out of this country, this chick hasn't done anything worthwhile since getting her head stuffed in a box in 'Se7en.' I defy you to find someone who has actually seen the ending to 'Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow.' If someone even thinks 'Shallow Hal' is decent, eat a dick.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: I like 'Shallow Hal,' and I refuse to eat all dicks.)


3. 'Iron Man' is the song of choice in the trailer.



I mean come fucking on. I am sure somebody thought this was witty, but this is the most obvious and ri-goddamn-diculous choice to play in the trailer. I mean what's next, are they going to play Steve Miller's 'The Joker' in the trailer for 'The Dark Knight.'

No, because DC isn't a bunch of jerk offs.

I really want 'Iron Man' to be good simply because Robert Downey Jr, and Jeff Bridges are in it. Possibly two of the most underrated actors of recent memory they deserve better than to be associated with the standard anal emissions that Marvel pumps out. Downey Jr should be perfect for Tony Stark, a talented boozing playboy who comes to the realization that there is more to life than he is currently getting out of it. Jeff Bridges on the other hand is great in everything he does, but it is good to see get away from doing gymnastic movies.

View the 'Iron Man' trailer for yourself by clicking here.


Posted by Dan Wood, Contributing Resident Movie Geek

Friday, September 14, 2007

Poster Worthy: Stuntman Mike

Sometimes, just sometimes, when I see a great shot in a film I immediately want a poster of that shot. Back in the day of college dorms these thoughts ran rampant when I wasn't thinking of booze and the ways of the woman, but that's another story.

This is the most recent shot that is poster worthy:

Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Lame One

I have a bone to pick with the new Jodie Foster movie 'The Brave One.' That bone is this:

GET AWAY FROM MY HOTMAIL ACCOUNT!!!!!!

I go to send an email...



I go to delete an email...



I think of how the invention of email changed the way people interact with each other...



ENOUGH WITH THE ROLLOVER ADS FOR A MOVIE NO ONE IS GOING TO SEE UNTIL THE DVD RELEASE!

"Give me back my dog!!!!" - Jodie Foster, 'The Brave One'

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

God Save the Sheen! Part 2



1989 - Batman

In a year that saw Indiana Jones and Batman take to the big screen we also had the opportunity to watch Charlie Sheen play Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn alongside a very dark Wesley Snipes in 'Major League.' "Up your butt, JoBoo." and "Shit Burgers?" become part of the English speaking vernacular.

1990 - Eh

'Courage Mountain,' 'Navy Seals,' 'Men at Work,' and 'The Rookie' all were released in 1990 and all were forgotten shortly there after. Sheen's bank account rose and so did call girl activity.

1994 - Riding in a car with Buffy the Vampire Slayer

'The Chase' is like talking to someone very annoying at 3 AM on a Saturday night. You know you'll regret it, but you'll probably have a ton of fun with them. The movie is pretty much Sheen and Kristy Swanson riding in a car. Can't explain why, but this film is damn good, and so was your sister.

2001 - Charles Not In Charge

After being named in Heidi Fliess' courtcase as spending a monster shitload of money on prostitutes and having them dress up in crazy outfits, Sheen disappeared into the sea of direct to video movies where he went by the name of Charles Sheen. In 2001 he returned to the lovable Charlie and gave us 'Good Advice.' Though this too went straight to video, it starred Jon Lovitz, Rosanna Arquette and most notably Denise Richards. This movie was so much better than it actually should be, but what's important here is Sheen met Denise Richards.

2006 - Call Girls of the World Rejoice

Not since Burt and Loni has there been an uglier divorce. Sheen and Richards' divorce is shaping up to be a juggernaut of biblical buffet proportions. We've got death treats, child pornography, Richie Sambora, intense voicemails, a baby clothing line and so much more.

Sheen is back in Sheen form.

Be well (and go rent 'All Dogs Go to Heaven 2' where Sheen took over the role of Charlie B. Barkin from none other than Burt Reynolds.)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

God Save the Sheen! Part 1



With my boy Charlie Sheen about to start another season of 'Two and a Half Men,' I figured it was a great time to take a step back and ponder:


GREAT MOMENTS IN CHARLIE SHEEN HISTORY!!!!!


1986 -Four Films, Tons of Call Girls, and One Oliver Stone


With the help of Corey Haim and that chick from 'The Goonies,' Sheen appeared as the jock with the heart of gold in the nerd classic 'Lucas.'


With about five minutes of screen time, Sheen makes a memorable appearance in the John Hughes classic 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off.' Sheen played a drugged out bad boy macking on a pre-nose job Jennifer Grey. Foreshadowing?


Sheen's next cinematic outing was 'The Wraith.' This movie sucks, but it's the dude's third movie in one year, so cut the man some slack. Besides, what did you do in 1986 besides watching episodes of 'Kids Incorporated,' huh? Yeah, thought so.


Finally, to top off the year Sheen gets the lead in Oliver Stone's epic 'Platoon.' The film instantly makes him a star, and call girls couldn't have been happier.


1987 - Lock, Stocks and One Smoking Daryl


Sheen wrestled with Michael Douglas for stocks and bed wrestled with Daryl Hannah in the film 'Wall Street.' Cocaine, hair gel and stocks all saw a very good year.


1988 - Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta make 'Young Guns.'


Charlie teams up with his brother Emilio Estevez and every other bad boy of the moment in the tale of Billy the Kid in 'Young Guns.' Sheen's character gets killed off and Emilio went on to make 'The Mighty Ducks.'

TO BE CONTINUED...

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September 11: A day to remember OR a Day to get TV ratings?


When i woke up this morning I knew it was the the 6 year anniversary of 9/11. I took a moment of silence and prayed for those who lost their lives on that dreadful day. Cut to 7 hours later i'm watching 'United 93' on HBO. I also noticed SHOWTIME was playing 'World Trade Center.' I kept 'United 93' playing on my television in the background but it definately bothered me that they would be showing this movie at least two times today. Was there really a need to show these flicks on the actual day that the events took place? People are trying to mourn for their loved ones. They don't want to watch a re-enactment of the tragedies that changed their lives forever starring Nic Cage and that dude that was in 'Delirious' with John Candy. In my opinon HBO will air anything on any day, due to their lack of ratings lately. Do I smell a 'The Sopranos' reunion in the next year?? They may need it...

We know the network has hit an all time low if they air 'Pearl Harbor' on Dec. 7th. Only time will tell....

Doug Bass

The Britney Spears Massacre: The Ending

We all saw this past weekend where it all finally came to an end for Britney, but now see where the ending began.

Ten Reasons We Need a 'Full House' Movie

1. You know you're a fan regardless of sex, race, orientation. Uncle Jesse can't be denied.


2. Joey Gladstone's appeal is debatable, but I've seen the man LIVE!


3. Tell us something we didn't know, Internet!


4. DJ's real life brother is a nutcase.


5. She was no Sixx, but Kimmy Gibler was a slice of Heaven pie.


6. Why couldn't Stephanie have done us all a favor and overdosed? How rude!


7. This would have made $300 million if it would have been rated R.


8. What it had to take people to see to finally believe me when I said since the 5th grade that Bob Saget is hilarious.


9. You're not going to sit there and tell me you didn't have a huge crush on Rebecca Donaldson!


10. Want to see what Nicky and Alex Katsopolis look like now? Click here and here.

We're Killing Johnny Knoxville

Who will be the next Spencer Tracy? Who is ready to take over for Paul Newman? Who is ready to kick Tom Hanks in the junk and be the new retard on the bench?



Johnny Knoxville is that man.

Yep, the star of such classics as 'The Ringer,' 'The Dukes of Hazzard,' and the hardly seen 'Daltry Calhoun' will be up at a podium soon enough to accept a small bald gold man that every SAG member would take a bullet for.

Well, Knoxville has, and that's the problem.

Senor Knoxville has been kicked, punched, shot at, ran over and concussed all for our love. We've thrown him a bone by checking out his 'Jackass' ways, but if we're not careful we're going to get this man Steve Irwin-ed. (That's my term and you can't use it without giving me credit.) We need to pay ten bucks for one of his movies where he doesn't wear some rocket skates.

'Jackass Number 2.5' is only coming out on DVD in time for the Christmas dollar because no one is seeing his other films. Yes, JN2.5 will be amazing, but that's not the point. We the movie-going community are playing God. His charm and charisma will come across as one of the scrap Marvel Comic superheroes that haven't made it to the big screen just as much as it did when he got knocked out by Butterbean.

Don't believe me. I don't care. His death won't be on my hands.

Two Geeks Talk 'Live Free or Die Hard'

The following conversation went down prior to the release of the PG-13 'Live Free or Die Hard.'



All hail the UNRATED DVD release coming

Will Hines in 'Fight Club'

So you've seen 'Fight Club' more times than you touched yourself down in your parents' basement, right? Well, you've never seen this scene.

Who is Doug Jones?



Yes, I know he's providing the voice in the 'Hellboy' sequel. I also know that 'Fantastic Four and the Rise of the Silver Surfer' was really really lame.

What was the plot of 'At World's End?'